I spent last night at a genuine tiki bar in Great Falls, Montana. Live mermaids swam in a pool with a window facing out over the bar. We sat there till 2 am, watching the mermaids and hanging out with actual cowboys, grizzled, leathery old coots who talked about roping technique until last call. There’s a rodeo in town tonight and there was a rhubarb festival yesterday, so excitement’s running high.

Somebody’s guts exploded in the men’s room, and most of it made it into the bowl. The mess was not of this earth, as though someone had painted a pentagram on the men’s room floor and conjured an invisible demon. Still, it made for a pretty good icebreaker and really made for a great bonding experience between cowboys and a city slicker like me.

Yesterday morning a black bear shuffled right up to out car and gobbled grass and flowers like a team of wild sheep. A real black bear, not the kind you see in Dupont Circle.

I’ve just downed a boiled egg sandwich at a video slot machine, sitting next to a woman who is paying her tab “berfore I spend all my money on the Keno.” It is 9:30 AM. I’m sipping some watery watery espresso sloooowly so as not to upset the delicate balance in my stomach. We did not stay up until closing time playing Go Fish with those cowboys.

I’ve been out of cell phone and internet range since Thursday, and it’s fantastic. Won’t be back ’til Wednesday, either. Call your families — cook a nice dinner, go for a walk — I’ll be back soon enough.