I’m one of those people who tries to keep my Inbox relatively clean. I fail miserably, but at least I want it to be more uncluttered than it is, and I think that aspiration counts for something. However, one battle front on which I am an unequivocal victor is that of the Spam folder. I manually delete that shit before Gmail even has the chance to do it for me. When empty, the Spam folder displays the text “Hooray, no spam here!” and I think, “You’re goddamn right there isn’t.”
But once in a while, the universe sees fit to bestow upon me a piece of electronic junk mail so wonderful and perfect, so beautifully off-kilter in either its subject line or content, that it gives pause to my ‘delete’ finger. Case in point, this message that I received yesterday:
Such a simple and perfect non-sequitur.
Or is it?
One day later, I received this little nugget from a different address:
What seemed at first like total random word generation has suddenly turned into a somewhat linear pseudo-narrative! Whatever the fuck nekkid Britney did in that video to expose the secret trifecta has apparently caused her untimely demise, and set off a chain of events that will undoubtedly lead to the King of Pop having one of his plastic ears bitten off on pay-per-view. I’m keeping my eyes peeled for the next installment of this saga to get caught in my mail filters.
(NOTE: Yes, I blurred the links. And I deleted the messages after I took the screenshots. If we click on spam links, even in the name of investigative internet comedy-journalism, then the terrorists have won. Besides, whatever they linked to could never be as good as the stories y’all are forming right now.)