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Time For Some Stories

April 22nd, 2008 by Jeff Simmermon

The problem with writing stories, actual stories for a blog is that, eventually, you run out. You’ve got to post daily, more or less (less in my case) and eventually you hit Peak Story, where you’ve told all the ones you’ve lived and are now reduced to writing about things you experienced while on your ass in front of a screen.

At least, that’s been my experience. Writing a fresh, original story every day is freaking exhausting. And just because someone has a few good stories, they don’t necessarily have a good blog.

Storylog.com aggregates great stories from all over the web, publishing at least one solid one daily. This is exactly what I want when I’m reading blogs — actual, well-done storytelling delivered daily and reliably.

This one, below, is one of my favorites, taken from a special section called simply “Time For Some Stories.

From the site:

(These) stories were copied from a message board thread on vivavinyl.org because they needed to be preserved for posterity. Every single one of these stories was written by a seriously cool Canadian man in his mid-20s who goes by the username “davesecretary“ … They are presented below in their original form: IN ALL CAPS.

Usually, all caps infuriates me, but here I think it adds an air of breathless excitement, like a little kid is telling you about the coolest thing that JUST happened outside!!!

Anyway, here goes:

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RIGHT SO IT’S KINDERGARTEN AND IT’S SPRING AND EVERYTHING IS THAWING AND MUDDY. AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS THAT GO UP TO OUR WAISTS. THE THING TO DO IN THE MORNING BEFORE CLASS STARTS IS TO FIND A BUDDY, GO FIND A NICE SOFT MUDDY SPOT IN THE PLAYGROUND SOMEWHERE, FACE YOUR FRIEND AND START SQUISHING YOUR WAY DOWN IN THE MUD UNTIL IT’S ALMOST UP TO YOUR WAIST.

WE DID THIS BECAUSE IT WAS FUN. SO KYLE AND I ARE FACING EACH OTHER AND BOGGING OUR WAY DOWN IN THIS MUD PUDDLE. WE GET IT ALMOST TO THE POINT WHERE THE MUD WILL START TO SEEP INTO OUR RUBBER BOOTS. I LOOK AT KYLE AND SAY “HEY KYLE, CAN YOU DO THIS?!” AND I TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF THE BOOT, WIGGLE MY LITTLE SOCKED TOES IN THE SPRING AIR FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND PUT MY LEG BACK IN MY BOOT, WHICH IS FIRMLY LODGED IN MUD.

“YES I CAN!!” KYLE SHOUTS BACK AT ME DESPITE ME BEING ONLY A FOOT AWAY FROM HIM. KYLE TAKES HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS BOOT AND IMMEDIATLY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE MUD. BECAUSE ONE LEG IS STILL IN THE BOOT HE IS KIND OF PINNED. THE SUCTION FROM THE MUD IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SIT UP, AND HE CAN’T TURN OVER BECAUSE HIS LEG IS STUCK IN THE BOOT.

THE BELL RINGS AND I LEAVE HIM THERE FOR SOME REASON. IT’S MONDAY MORNING SO WE HAVE ASSEMBLY. THE WHOLE SCHOOL SITS IN THE GYM AND WE SING ‘OH CANADA’. OUR PRINCIPAL, WHOSE NAME IS HONEST TO GOD ‘MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM’ SAYS ‘GOOD MORNING STUDENTS’ AND THEN WE ALL SAY ‘GOOD MORNING MRS. HEGGINBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOM’ BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET IT IN SYNC AND SOME KIDS SAY IT FASTER THAN OTHERS.

THEN OUR PRINCIPAL IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN THE BIG DOUBLE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE GYM ARE THROWN OPEN AND SMACK AGAINST THE WALLS WITH A GIANT BANG. ENTER MRS. VAIL, SHORT, BUTCHY VICE PRINCIPAL WITH BICEPS LIKE NOTHING YOU’VE EVER SEEN. SHE’S HOLDING KYLE, WHO APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRESSED FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. THERE ARE TEARS JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. WE ALL STARE AT KYLE AND MRS. VAIL LETS HIM GO. HE RUNS TOWARDS ME, SLIPS ON THE GROUND BECAUSE HE’S IN SOCKS FOR SOME REASON, PICKS HIMSELF UP, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME. TOTALLY INCONSOLABLE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WHEN WE GET HOME HE FINALLY OPENS UP TO ME AND TELLS ME THAT MRS. VAIL PICKED HIM UP OUT OF THE MUD LIKE A DYING SOLDIER AND WASTED NO TIME IN STRIPPING HIM NAKED AND DRESSING HIM UP IN SHORT-SHORTS AND A STRAWBERRY-SHORTCAKE TSHIRT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A NINJA TURTLE TSHIRT RIGHT THERE.

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