Those of us who grew up watching the G.I. Joe cartoon series and its associated public service announcements in the 1980s — many of whom are dying a little on the inside every time we see another preview trailer for G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra — are well aware that “Knowing Is Half The Battle”.  But what about the other half?  Well, design team Nerduo (my pal Mike Essl and his pal Robb Irrgang) have taken the liberty of breaking down “The Battle” for us in its statistical entirety with this easy-to read pie chart, and slapped that nugget of knowledge on a limited edition t-shirt, which is available on their website:

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eraserhead with death piggy

Originally uploaded by wesh

This essay is by my friend, muse, and hero(ine), the irrepressible Juliet. She pitched it to any number of papers in Philadelphia and failed — as you’ll see in just a moment, it probably wasn’t her fault.

Philadelphia has a problem with its statuary: we build lavish monuments to to the wrong people while letting the right ones go unmarked.

We have statues of people who polarized us (Frank Rizzo), who could have cared less about us (Charles Dickens) or who never existed (Rocky Balboa). Meanwhile, we overlook people who logged real time here and did great things.

This problem has a solution: put a big-ass statue of the title character from the movie Eraserhead, directed by former Philadelphia resident David Lynch, at the corner of 13th and Wood.
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The five minutes I spent seeing the band below play on the L train platform at Union Square were way better than the hour and a half I spent in the theater watching “Bruno” immediately afterwards.

But this isn’t a film review here – this is exactly why I live in New York. I just spent a little time in Missoula, and while there were plenty of dirty dreadlocks and bongos out in the street out there, there wasn’t NOTHIN’ like this. This was like The Flaming Lips meets Soul Jazz with just a touch of the bear-and-a-BJ clip from the Shining.

I accidentally covered the mike on my phone with my thumb there for about 30 seconds or so. The sound’ll come back, don’t worry:

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I’ll be performing a story at my man Seth Lind’s story show TOLD! tomorrow night at Under Saint Mark’s Theatre. My story’s always a work in progress — it’s about the time I was a kangaroo shooter in the Outback. My close friends are so tired of this one, because even though I had the actual experience back in early 2004, I have only just recently stopped talking about it.

So if you’re new to this blog and you live in New York, come on down. It’s the right price, too: Free dollars and free cents!

Seth runs a pretty interesting show, too. He brings a lot of what he’s learned from his day job at “This American Life” to the experience as well as his training in comic improv, creating a show that’s informal and experimental, a little bit talk show and always really, really interesting to see.

Here’s the description straight from the show’s Facebook page:

Hi. You are cordially invited to the ninth installment of TOLD, the free monthly storytelling show at Under St. Mark’s Theatre.

This month… ‘The Rough Guide’ – riveting stories from out on the road. Our totally sweet performers include:

Actor and Comic Book writer CHRIS KIPINIAK, who will show us that a trip to Egypt can have more in common with the plot of ‘The Hangover’ than you might think. Well, part of the plot of ‘The Hangover.’ Tyson doesn’t sing.

Moth Grandslammer DAISY ROSARIO, tells about a crazy drug trip… not the kind you’re thinking.

Comedian KEVIN ALLISON (The State) with a tale of arriving at a place where I know you’ve been, and deciding to do something I hope you haven’t.

And JEFF SIMMERMON, who just had a story on “This American Life” last week, tells about heading Down Under… to be a hired killer. For real.

Plus, if the tech gods and schedule gods are with us, MELANIE HAMLETT will join us between stories via live video feed, to report in on her current cross-country adventure living in her truck.

Hope to see you there.

TOLD #9: The Rough Guide
Monday July 20th – 7PM
Under St. Mark’s Theatre
94 Saint Mark’s Place
FREE FREE FREE

Hosted by Seth Lind
Produced by Heidi Grumelot
Presented by Horse Trade Theatre Group

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Previously on Aquaman Zen: Alarmed Viewers | Giant Crabs Help

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Few things are sadder than when someone takes something intrinsically whimsical and attempts to surgically remove all of its joy and innocence, subsuming it to a cold and calculating corporate structure.  With a mission statement to “…unite and support businesses that offer value-added balloon designs featuring Qualatex products,”  it sounds like the Qualatex Balloon Network does just that.

Lucky for those of us who still have souls, they have provided us with a whole new type of joy in the form of this bizarre vintage balloono-facist training video:



(Via Everything Is Terrible.)

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I snapped this photo at the farmer’s market in Missoula, Montana yon Saturday. I bought the coyote face, too. It’s rich with possibility: add just one string and it’s a Halloween mask. Add two rubber bands and it’s a one-of-a-kind jockstrap!

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Last weekend, I blew my palate across the sky in a shower of beautiful sparks. I’m not talking about sucking on a Roman Candle, either. I’m talking about drinking bacon-infused vodka.

My friend Rob had some around his house that a chef friend had made. It’s smoky, a little greasy but not in a bad way. Like, kinda slippery-tasting. It’s not the sort of thing you’d want to gargle with or drink out of a full pint glass. But it would make the mother of all Bloody Marys (Maries?) for a hangover breakfast drink. Or sipped straight, stirred with a slice of avocado.

Here’s a recipe that I found for the stuff — could make for a great Christmas gift, too.

And before people start cutting their eyes and warming up the snark for the comments, just remember: I know that bacon’s a big Internet meme right now. Possibly cliche, even. But there’s a good reason for it:

Bacon is awesome. End of story.

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So, it’s as official as it gets. I just heard from the producers today who confirmed it as a “go,” with the caveat “anything can happen, but we’re looking good.” I’m going to have a story on this week’s episode of “This American Life,” and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

It’s a new version of a story I performed at The Moth’s GrandSlam a few months ago. I pitched it to This American Life with that video, and they brought me into the studio for an interview a few weeks ago.

And here’s the REAL dirt on Ira Glass:
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I was walking South on Seventh Avenue from Penn Station yesterday when I came across this great, rushed piece of Michael Jackson memorial graffiti:

It’s everything I like about folk art — public, not too fussy, and definitely puts passion over precision.

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