So, I have a cold. Or something. And it effing SUCKS.
I’m on day 5 (or so) of this weird illness that appears to be using a random symptom generator each morning. Today, I practically need to take direct snorts of menthol or pepper spray or sulfuric acid just to smell or taste anything, and it feels like I’m sucking in a quarter pound of sand every time I open my mouth to take a breath, only to erupt in a wheezy coughing jag when all I wanted was some sweet, sweet oxygen.
But lucky me, formerly-DC-but-now-LA-based artist — and apparently very funny dude — Zach Storm has my remedy. In 20 easy steps, Zach has the cure for the common whatever, and I love him for it. Here we go:
1. Do not hesitate. A cold moves quickly.
2. Do not cry. Crying wastes a lot of energy that you are gonna neeed.
3. Drink one sixteen ounce container of Kombucha.
4. Find a clean, body-sized spot on the floor. Do 15-20 push-ups. Lay still for a moment. Think about a time when you were breathing clearly and your muscles were strong and then realize that…you are going to beat this thing, “champ”!
5. Drink a gallon of distilled water in two hours.
6. Find yourself 3-4 pieces of fruit noted for their high levels of vitamin c. (Oranges are great in the winter.) Do not forget that red bell peppers have more vitamin c than any citrus fruit.
7. Eat them.
8. Create soups. Eat them.
9. Spit on the ground as you remember people who made fun of you and your family and your pets.
10. You are strong. Like iron.
11. Listen to Danzig and punch walls.
12. Listen to Lisa Loeb and dress your knuckles.
13. Sleep for 13-28 hours.
14. Drink another gallon of water.
15. Now you’re better!
16. Open your window (best if you break it open) and yell to the doggies of the neighborhood…”Bark Bark, Motherfuckers!! Let’s take this town over because we are healthy now!!”
17. Serenade the cats and squirrels of your neighborhood with strange glances and low hums.
18. More push-ups.
19. Small Dancing.
20. Shower for an hour. Now you can cry. Cry.
(I’m still working on step number two.)