As it Turns Out, I Have Testicular Cancer
My friend Rob and I have this ongoing juvenile argument.
He loves to ask people:
Which is better, having one testicle, or having three?
He’d rather have one, he says, because
I’d rather be a little sad than a lot creepy.
I disagree. I’d rather be strange than pitiful, myself. But it turns out I might not have much of a choice.
A few weeks ago, I was doing a bit of a self-test — got to do these things once you’re in your ’30s — and I discovered that one of my testicles was the approximate size and weight of a Cadbury Creme Egg. I made an appointment with a GP who gave it a perfunctory juggle, shrugged, and put me on antibiotics for a week.
It didn’t work. I got referred to a specialist who I went to see today. He ran some ultrasounds, then frowned and called up NYU, sent me across town for an emergency sonogram.
“That can’t be good,” I thought as I got into the cab. But it was all moving too fast for me to think about it.
So there’s this mass growing in the center of one of my nuts, making it all big and really hard. It feels like I could pound nails with the thing. Or really surprise someone in my Muay Thai class. But instead of being useful it’s consumed a lot of the healthy tissue in there and needs to come out.
As the doctor says, if it’s benign, it’s a problem because it could keep growing. If it’s malignant — out it comes, too. The procedure’s called a Radical Orchiectomy, and it’s about as fun as it sounds.
Luckily it doesn’t seem to have spread anywhere, and it’s been caught early. This is one of the few truly curable cancers in the world. Lance Armstrong let his go WAY further than mine, and he’s fine.
But still. Ain’t THAT a bitch. I’m going to lose one of my testicles, sooner rather than later. And I’m not even going to get to lose it to a hungry octopus, or at the tip of a pirate’s saber, or some other cool way. Just to one of the most common, curable cancers in the world.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m getting a second, third, opinion. And I feel lucky that this isn’t gonna take me out. Or at least not for long. Reproductive health and hormones should still be ticking right along. That’s why we have two of these things, apparently.
But I’m reeling, feeling betrayed by my body and mourning the loss of a body part already. I know it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I mean, SHIT.
So tomorrow’s going to be more doctor’s appointments and blood work, just to be sure. I’m told that I can get a prosthetic testicle put in during surgery if I want one. Not sure what to do about that one just yet. Does it even matter? Or, more importantly: does it cost much extra to get two prosthetics in addition to the real one?
**Update** I just had an idea. I wonder if I could get a musket ball from the Civil War encased in silicone and put in there instead. That could be really cool — keep a little Virginia with me at all times.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Oh wow! I am happy that you’re not going to die (probably weird to hear coming from a stranger) I’ve been reading your blog for a little while but never posted a comment til now.
Still, it sucks that you have to loose a ball..
May 7th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
the good news, it was caught and it is curable.
May 8th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Hang in there and good to get multiple opinions, I just finished RT for seminoma and it all happened fast.
May 8th, 2009 at 5:50 am
oh balls, Jeff, sorry to hear about this, but it’s awesome that you have health insurance… small favors right. And, even better, maybe they have prostheses that jingle or vibrate (that activate when you think about them)… and after the surgery you’ll be closer to being a cyborg than most of your friends! that’s sweet…
May 8th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Sonofabitch. I have faith that everything will come out aaaalright. be tuff, tuffy, i’m thinking about ya.
May 8th, 2009 at 8:31 am
Damn. Sorry to hear about this. Glad you caught it early. Cheers to self-examinations.
May 8th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Way to drop the bomb on us bro…it will all work out though. Always swing things into a positive like… New blog…www.andigotjustonenut.com
May 8th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Just stopping by via Dan’s blog. It is indeed a very curable cancer, and I wish you all the best in dealing with it. Beth
May 8th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
teh suck!
I suspect you’ll have difficulty getting them to put in two prosthetics, but I guess there’s no harm in asking. You might be able to look forward to a long career in freak-porn.
Oh, Hi Jeff.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
you can always TELL people that you lost it to a hungry octopus. None of us will contradict you.
I hope it turns out all right. It sucks, but it’s good that you’ve caught it now.
May 8th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Actually, now that I think of it, you could have some jingly, jangly brass numbers installed. Yes, it may make winter a true pain, but imagine the sweet sound of “clank” when you go for a jog?
And jumping jacks. You could be your own rhythm section.
Seriously, though, Jeff. Get well soon and take care. We need your words more than we need your balls.
May 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
From one testicular cancer survivor to another: your world just changed forever, but you’ll keep moving forward.
May 9th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Doubt I’d have your admirable attitude in a similar situation. This may sound corny, but your post is inspiring. All the best, man.
May 9th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
[...] His account of what’s he learned and what’s likely ahead is entertaining yet poignant like his other writing. But the piece also conveys an attitude that would serve everyone well when confronted with a serious medical problem. [...]
May 9th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Oh goddammit Jeff, I am so sorry. What a shitty way to start your summer. I hope it’s benign and this all goes as smoothly as possible.
Take care of yourself.
May 9th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
i feel for you i have uterine cancer & need a hysterectomy the 19th no kids or family
I am here if you need to talk
I am Tracy Rolands Friend
hellothere1027@aol.com
Claudia
May 10th, 2009 at 11:46 am
that’s some fucked up shit. I’ve been think about testis cancer for the last twelve years, I’m paranoid.
May 10th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Oy, sorry to hear about the diagnosis, Jeff. Hope everything goes well with the surgery and recovery!
May 11th, 2009 at 9:04 am
While less visually obvious to strangers than losing one of ones breasts, it’s still, well, personal and important. Nothing wrong w/ going the prosthetic route if you wish (or not going it). It’s your body. Thank God that you knew enough to self- examine and be seen. I hope that your story will have more men become aware and think an extra second, and check things out for themselves, too. My boss had this, not sure of details nor do I want/need to, but he is doing as fine as ever. Take your pick: Live long and prosper, or, May the force be with you
May 11th, 2009 at 9:25 am
hey sugar! i’ve had several friends go through this recently
…whats in the water here in dc?? oh wait…all kinds of crap… we’ll be thinking of you! you take care of yourself…
xoxo
May 11th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Ah, nuts! Lucky that it’s a very treatable type of cancer. So, as a girl, I sort of suspect that a lot of girls are like me, and think testicles are kind of gross anyway. So one less shouldn’t hurt you in anyone’s esteem.
And also, I know a guy who has a hernia that he likes to flash to people by pushing it through his sac so it looks like he has three balls. So there’s always that option.
Good luck.
May 12th, 2009 at 12:23 am
crap, so lame. i found you via Boing Boing, with your storytelling about going to Australia to meet that girl (which was a hilarious story, awesomely told). i’m so very sorry to read this news here, and i hope you continue to update us on your progress. i’ll be thinking lots of good thoughts.
May 12th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Hey Jeff:
You can beat this. Keep a positive attitude and keep the faith. If Lance can beat it, you can too. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I’m optimistic that you will be blogging for decades. You might have some bad days, but this too shall pass. Stay blessed and as Lance would stay Live Strong.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Damn Jeff… this is what i get for not reading your blog in a while! Hang in there, you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need me, i’m here for ya.
May 17th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Jeff, cancer is a bitch- but at least our kind is one of the most treatable. So get the operation out of the way and take some time to think about a fake nut. From the posts it sounds like noone one really cares if you have one or two. I had surgery in May 2007 and opted not to get an implant. Sometimes its weird seeing the extra bit of baggage but I can deal with it. On a sidenote though… make sure you keep up with chekups and other treatments. I’ve let mine go un-monitored for the whole time now. Although I feel fine I’m having doubts and am finally scheduled for bloodwork and a CT next week. I was hesitant about Chemo but better to get it done with then to suffer from recurring cancer. Best of Luck to you, mate.
June 19th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Can I just say I want to thank you for helping me lose 3 hours of my workday consuming diligently this well-written blog. Thank you so much. What a joy. The hawk in the soup. The vision of an octopus eating a testicle. Thank you. And keep it up.
July 18th, 2009 at 11:36 am
http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html
Good luck, dude! Just caught This American Life. Bitches come and bitches go.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Hey, man, just to let you know, my buddy Kevin had testicular cancer, and now he only has one nut. We all fuck with him about it, but he’s alive and doing fine. You will be too. Peace.
E.
April 19th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Hey,
I was kind of in the same position just two weeks ago. I also had to have one of my testicles removed and fortunately there doesn’t seem to be much difference in appearence, and if it stays as it is I don’t think I’ll get a artificial one, it already creates quite a conversation topic.
Although this was due to testicular torsion, not cancer. Turns out I arrived at the hospital four days to late for it to be saved (damn them GPs not opening on weekends lol). But luckily I had my operation on the day that my right testicle also tried to succumb to torsion (they managed to fix that one).
If anybody else in the same or similar position is reading this then the best advice I can offer is to shrug off this little blip in your life… and carry on. And if you can… don’t treat it like it’s the end of everything, there’s always a solution to anything.
I will be needing to get a fertility test in a few weeks to find out if the right testicle is damaged and affected my ability to have children when I am older (I’m 17 right now), but I’m sure it’ll turn out fine… and if not, there’s alternatives right?.
Finally, I would just like to say good luck to everyone and Jeff… I hope everything turned out fine for you.