Somebody sparked a blunt about halfway through the movie and smoked the whole fricking thing, Cape Fear-style.

Me and my buddy got there before the previews and had to beg for crappy seats together in the back row, up against the wall. So pretty much the entire theater sat there under this dense, low-hanging weed haze that just kept growing and growing through the whole thing.

Pot goes with comic book movies like peanut butter goes with chocolate. Or like pot goes with peanut butter and chocolate, really. But still, this is really something that should be attended to at home or in a park or something. It’s not like smelling weed at a rock concert, where it’s kind of expected.

It didn’t really bother me personally, but really – just the sheer audacity!

Tiny – and egregious – social injustices that don’t actually bother me personally make me completely nuts, just on principle alone. I’m kind of a Larry David that way, which may not be an admirable character trait. But at this point, it simply is, and it’s not going away. Just like Dr.Banner and the Hulk, I’m just trying to manage it.

We’re all part of this one fabric, a larger collective organism that succeeds or fails based on the grace and discretion of its components. And it makes me NUTS when people ignore that and just go off and do any old fucked-up thing they want to, regardless of what it does to the people around them. Somebody in there could have been trying to get clean, needed to pass a drug test, or gone to a movie specifically to avoid being around people that were getting wasted. So who is THAT guy to just blow smoke over the whole social quilt in there?

The haze grew and grew, all the way through the credits. Most people stayed in the theater anyway to see one of the stinger scenes Marvel buries in the credits to set up the next movie. The Avengers has two – the second one is right at the end when the lights come up.

Right after the first stinger scene, some guy jumped up and walked backwards down the stairs in the aisle to the main landing, yelling “hey man, hey man, you wanna go, huh, HUH? HEY MAN HEY MAN YOU WANNA GO YOU WANNA GO YOU WANNA GO” and repeated himself at least a hundred times. He feels the same way about the social fabric, I guess.

Then the dude that was smoking the blunt jumped up and answered back “AND WHAT NIGGA AND WHAT AND WHAT NIGGA”, also about a hundred times.

Really, it’s not so much the actual words they said as the way that they said them.

The guy with the blunt finally jumped out of his seat and ran down the steps to get into it.

He’s one of those guys that wears the waist of his pants down around his thighs with his drawers all hanging out in the back. I’ve always thought that look was mostly tough-guy posturing that might be a hindrance in an actual fighting situation. And it sure as hell was, because as he ran down the steps to meet his challenger, he stumbled on his pants and fell forward, chin out …

… and the guy that cared about the social fabric met that chin with a flawless uppercut.

They tangeld for a while, until the cops came. The blunt guy hiked his pants up and ran out the fire door. The cops settled everything down, all while the credits rolled. Then the second stinger scene came and somebody went “SSHHH, SHUT UP YOU GUYS!”

And seriously, everyone left in the theatre including the cop paused, turned and watched the movie for a minute while the final scene rolled, and then went about their business as the lights came up.

I felt like I was in New York in the late eighties. And man, what a satisfying in-theatre experience.

They said we were going to be in a big basement theater with ampitheater seating. Then we get there, and the floor is a solid concrete slab, two-thirds of which tilts toward a flat part at a 40 degree angle. There are no seats except for a pile of folding chairs in the corner.

People are filing in, not enough people to fill the room or even have a decent crowd – just enough to make it so that we can’t cancel.

I’m running around the room setting up folding chairs on the slanted part and Cyndi’s trying to make change for people that are paying at the door but her makeup’s not even all the way on. Then people actually sit in the chairs and start sliding down the concrete ramp, sparks shooting from the chairs’ metal legs until they hit the stage part of the concrete with a jerk and fall forwards.

Still, the show’s got to go on so we get started. But while I’m telling my story, right when I’m getting to the hard part, some guy in a baseball hat with two kids walks right up to me and says “excuse me, how do I get to Bryant Park?”

I’m stunned. I tell him and he leaves, and then some woman says “does this thing go uptown on weekends” and I realize that we are not, in fact, in a basement theater. We’re on a subway platform.

Then I wake up and it’s 4:30 in the morning and I stare at the sparkly things floating in my eyeball fluid until 7, when I get up and go to work.

So yeah, we’re having another And I Am Not Lying Live show tomorrow night at Union Hall in Brooklyn. Show’s at 8, ten bucks, tickets are here.

I’m really excited to have my friend Andy Ross on the show, reading and performing some of his short comedic pieces. This is a video of a story he told at Union Hall one time, about the time he sang both parts of “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” at a talent show. And the amazing thing is, he gets the whole crowd to sing along with him. It’s both hilarious and oddly uplifting.

Hope we see you there.

party park

Originally uploaded by greggrestonva

Via Flickr:

UPDATE – 3.9.2012

The tent at Palm Park is flooded out – there’s a whole ecosystem in there underneath the folding chairs. We are moving ALL of the And I Am Not Lying events scheduled for March 10th at SXSW to the Hilton Garden Inn in Downtown Austin – just a few blocks from Palm Park and the convention center. The hotel is at 500 North IH-35/Frontage Road, Austin, TX. Here’s a map.

Our stuff is now going to be on the 18th floor of the Hilton Garden Inn in Downtown Austin in the Colorado and Red River rooms. The content and times will stay exactly the same.

Last week (I think) I may have mentioned that we’re putting on a whole tentload of activities at South By Southwest Interactive this year. If I am completely honest, it’s all I can do not to tear my shirt off and swing through the streets of New York screaming about this like a somewhat flabbier Tarzan.

We’ve finally gotten some stuff locked down with the tent and the order of events, and I just wanted to use this blog post to detail everything so you, me, and airbody else can hose down the Internet with this thing.

First of all: all of this takes place on March 10, 2012 in a tent in Palm Park, adjacent to the Austin Convention Center. Map here.

We’ve got a Tumblr blog set up especially for news about this which you can see here: And I Am Not Lying at SXSW. You can follow us on Twitter at @andiamnotlying and/or by using the hashtag #notlyingSXSW.

The And I Am Not Lying tent will be next to a tent sponsored by Miller. Miller will be giving badgeholders 2 free beers apiece. So there’s that to look forward to.

We’re going to be offering programming based around standup comedy, improv, and storytelling from 11 AM to 6PM, all day long. That programming is predicated around this one simple concept:

Stories are ancient and awesome, everyone loves to laugh, and Web conferences – even the best Web conference in the world – can get SO. FRICKING. BORING.

It’s not really the fault of the programmers. It’s just that … sitting there with a bunch of people while looking at a Powerpoint presentation is not that inherently exciting. Sitting around and pretending to be fascinated while someone guy in a blue dress shirt says “we’re going to leverage the API to drive traffic into out key niche markets, improving ROI and capture metrics” is exhausting. Doubly so when it comes from someone that works in marketing.

A lot of panelists are there to sell you something, to flog their book or promote their startup. We’re not. The only thing we’re trying to sell is our skill as storytellers and comics, and maybe get some better shows out of it in towns that we’d like to visit.

We’re going to sell that to you by being awesome at what it is we do: telling stories and making people laugh.

I know a lot of people come to Interactive for work, and are under some pressure to demonstrate what they learned and justify the expense. We think you learn more when you’re having fun – and honestly, what’s the better learning environment? The dim and stuffy conference room with flickering fluorescent lights, and a guy droning on about “leveraging the power of digital storytelling in a Web 2.0 environment” — or the people that do this on stages, in boardrooms and in burlesque bars 5-20 times a week? This stuff applies to pretty much any discipline, really.

Here’s a breakdown of what we’re offering, hour-by-hour. This is the copy I submitted to the folks at SXSW, anyway, but it’s not on the official schedule or the SXSW app yet, so you may have to write it down on your hand or something:

11AM – 12PM: PANEL DISCUSSION — “From Basement Burlesque to the Boardroom: What Makes Your Story Great and How Can You Make it Even Better?”

Storytelling is both the second-oldest art form and a hot “new” form of entertainment — thanks to This American Life, The Moth’s podcast and live shows, and tons of shows cropping up around the country, storytelling’s making a big comeback. It’s making a comeback in the boardroom, too. And if we are honest with ourselves, it’s just about to join “leverage” in the marketing d-bag’s haggard sack of buzzwords. “Leverage storytelling to activate your customers,” “learn story techniques,” — you’re going to hear a LOT of that at SXSW this year.

You know what you’re not going to hear anyone else talk about?

“What makes a great story?” or “How would I know a good story?”

Good stories are a little like good porn: you know ‘em when you see ‘em. But we’re going to peel that hood back together and examine what makes a story good — and how to amplify and condense that.

Join an interactive discussion with storytelling experts from across a wide range of disciplines – from NPR’s This American Life, NYC storytelling show producers and accomplished solo performers with The Moth, Story Collider, TOLD!, Real Characters, And I Am Not Lying and other shows, as well as an expert in organizational narrative – and hack through the marketing hype to find out what really makes a good story.

Panelists include

Cyndi Freeman – Hotsy Totsy Burlesque, Moth SHOP outreach instructor, Wonder Woman: A How-To Guide For Little Jewish Girls

Thaler Pekar – Smithsonian Institution, Stanford Social Innovation Review

Brad Lawrence – Moth Grand Slam champion, Moth Podcast, And I Am Not Lying

Jeff Simmermon – And I Am Not Lying (this blog, and the show with Brad and Cyndi), Time Warner Cable, This American Life contributor, Moth podcast

12-1: BASICS OF COMEDY IMPROV WORKSHOP

Learn to open yourself up to sudden, new possibilities – and seize the potential from everything that’s right in front of you. You’ll learn the rewarding art of creative play, how to surprise yourself and yank your inner comic out of the closet. In this workshop, you’ll learn how much fun it can be to say “yes” to everything, to stop being ashamed of your own ideas and to easily improvise a hilarious comic scene. Discover how letting go actually provides you with great control in seemingly crazy situations (applicable to daily life, guaranteed).

Coached by Eliza Skinner

Eliza Skinner is a producer, writer, performer, lover and fighter in Los Angeles. She has appeared on TBS’ Are we There Yet?, Showtime’s PopTudors, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, MTV’s Damage Control, and opposite Cheri Oteri in AMC’s LifeCoach. She has taught musical improv workshops all over the country with I Eat Pandas, and on her own. Eliza has also taught improv for BBC America, and on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Her solo show, Eliza Skinner is: SHAMELESS ran for over a year at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NY and LA, and at the Comedy Central Stage in LA.

1-2PM: STORYTELLING WORKSHOP

Everyone’s got at least one story in them – whether it’s a pitch, a plan, or a tale of love gone horrifically wrong. Join Cyndi Freeman (Moth outreach instructor, storyteller, burlesque performer) and Jeff Simmermon (host, producer of And I Am Not Lying, blogger at andiamnotlying.com, award-winning storyteller) and hone your chops. Practice telling your story, identifying the change and heightening your stakes. You’ll learn how to identify stakes, own your mistakes, and create a compelling narrative.

Presenters/coaches are:

Jeff Simmermon – And I Am Not Lying, Time Warner Cable, This American Life contributor, Moth podcast

Cyndi Freeman- Hotsy Totsy Burlesque, Moth SHOP outreach instructor, Wonder Woman: A How-To Guide For Little Jewish Girls

2-3PM: STORYTELLING OPEN MIC

Have you been dying to tell the world a story? Are you tired of keynotes talking at you and dying to have other people listen to YOU for a change? Here’s your chance! This is partly an optional follow-on from the storytelling workshop at 1PM, and part full-on open mic, this is a time for anyone to tell stories to friends, enemies, and complete strangers. Gentle critique is available and totally optional for anyone who wants to tighten their story and tell it better than ever.

Hosted/facilitated by:

Jeff Simmermon: The Moth, This American Life

Brad Lawrence: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, Hotsy Totsy Burlesque

Cyndi Freeman: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, Hotsy Totsy Burlesque

3-4 PM: THE WORLD’S FIRST CROWDSOURCED VARIETY SHOW

Play the Battle Hymn of the Republic on dual kazoos, read the best parts of your manifesto, flog your book or flip your unicycle: all you have to do is tweet, retweet and share information about the And I Am Not Lying tent at SXSWi. The 5 folks who reach the most people win 8 minutes of stage time to perform any old messed-up PG-13 stunt their heart desires.

Hosted by

Jeff Simmermon: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, This American Life

Brad Lawrence: And I Am Not Lying (http://www.andiamnotlying.com), The Moth, Hotsy Totsy Burlesque(http://www.hotsytotsyburlesque.com/home.html)

4-6 PM: AND I AM NOT LYING – LIVE

The folks from the And I Am Not Lying blog (yes, this one) are cock-rocking the NPR crowd in their new monthly residency in Brooklyn with the best underground comedy, storytelling, burlesque and sideshow acts. This whole thing is about getting together and getting EXCITED, turning the phones off and participating in something that’s temporal, raw, and real, cramming a whole aircraft carrier’s worth of fun into one tent that’s right next to the FREE BEER TENT. Talent will include storytellers, comedians and surprise drop-ins.

Confirmed Talent:

Jeff Simmermon: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, This American Life

Brad Lawrence: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, Hotsy Totsy Burlesque

Cyndi Freeman: And I Am Not Lying, The Moth, Hotsy Totsy Burlesque

Andy Ross: The Moth, Real Characters Stories, The Onion, MAD Magazine

Seth Lind: This American Life, Thank You, Robot, TOLD!

Eliza Skinner: UCB Theatre, Diamond Lion, Baby Wants Candy, Magic Bag

Cyndi Freeman- Hotsy Totsy Burlesque, Moth SHOP outreach instructor, Wonder Woman: A How-To Guide For Little Jewish Girls

Additional talent to be confirmed, announced via Twitter (@andiamnotlying/ #notlyingSXSW)/Tumblr.

He was kind enough to let me share this video of his set:

The guy’s good, huh? You can catch him on Twitter at @chethinks, and on Tumblr here.

It’ll make more sense in the video, I swear.

I have told this story in various incarnations over the years, but I happen to feel that this performance at the Moth at Southpaw in Brooklyn on Labor Day this year really nailed it. Hope you enjoy it:

If you’re interested, you can actually hear two tracks that we recorded at practice here:

Royal Quiet Deluxe, April 1998

Exotic Newcastle Disease, by Royal Quiet Deluxe

If you happen to see this today, and want to see more like it live in person, I’m putting on a show with my awesome and talented friends tonight at Union Hall in Brooklyn. There will be stories like this, burlesque striptease and a sword-swallower. For real.

Click here for show info and a cool poster: And I Am Not Lying Live at Union Hall

You can get advance tickets here.

That’s the justice system for you. They tried to break him, tried to get him to plead guilty to crimes he didn’t commit, and he stood strong. Now he’s out and I couldn’t be happier about it.

We have been writing back and forth like teenaged lovers at two different boarding schools since sometime around Halloween. As happy as I am that Tim is out, I am going to miss writing so often. I looked forward to opening his letters at my office. I’d shut my door and read them over and over throughout the day, keeping them in my pocket until I got home at night.

He’d send me little stuff from time to time, stuff that showed he was thinking about me — stuff that showed he was keeping his soul alive, too. He said it was okay to share some of these here, and I will be over the next few months.

I was supposed to be the one keeping Tim’s spirits up, but the picture and letter below really made me smile. My friend Xeni coined the term “unicorn chaser,” and I doubt she’s seen one as bittersweet as this one.

Before reading, you should know this: Tim actually did used to hammer a pen up his nose and make drawings for all takers on the streets of San Francisco. Trust me, it’ll make sense later.

(See the letter explaining this after the jump.)

Here’s a transcript for Google/readability purposes. I’ve take the liberty of making minor spelling and punctuation edits:

Jeff,

I scored some color pencils about 2 weeks ago and have been drawing quite a bit. It’s been a while since I actually used pens and pencils for anything past a rough sketch. Usually PhotoShop or Illustrator takes it over from there.

It’s been nice to physically create again. I’ve had an issue with subject matter in here, though. I mostly draw self-portraits of sorts: Me in orange, counting the days with looks of desperation or depression.

One or two people saw my drawings an now everyone wants me to draw shit for them or their lady back home. I have to say, it’s opened up my mind and my sketch pad greatly.

It kind of reminds me when I first started doing “nose drawings,” where I’d hammer a pen up my nose and draw. At first I got stuck in the studio with “what the fuck do I draw?” I took a desk out to public places and asked people what they wanted me to draw, then rendered that.

It was great practice, then eventually the performance evolved to just that – Drawing what the people wanted.

I get commissions for chips, candy bars, stamped envelopes, basic commissary goodies. Mostly I get people wanting tattoo designs. I did a nice version of “The Weighing of the Souls” the other day. A black Muslim man asked me to draw a unicorn for his wife. I tried to make a black unicorn, but it just wouldn’t come out right. Eventually the guy got a white unicorn with blond hair & blue eyes. He liked it, though.

It’s funny, ’cause when I was in jail in Virginia back in 2002, I drew a unicorn next to a waterfall, all set under a rainbow for some guy’s wife.

Anyway, all this inspired me to draw you a unicorn scene. White folks are rare in here, kinda like unicorns. At the moment in my pod of 48 guys there is only one other honky. He is constantly trying to be my pal, but he is really really fucking annoying.

He has a “Jesus” neck tattoo, which is really odd because the last white guy in here had a Satanic neck tattoo! In reality both of those guys’ God was obviously crystal meth. Enjoy the drawing, it makes me laugh – which is very necessary in this place.

Love,

Tim

Coincidentally, on the same day that I learned that 11 U.S. states and 3 Canadian provinces are just incontrovertibly screwed six ways to Sunday, I came across this amazing and hilarious Jack Kirby drawing from 1972 of what our future might look like after “A GREAT CATACLYSM!”:

Image taken from Kamandi #1, Via the always excellent Comic Book Cartography.

Also, Discovery Channel has a pretty cool interactive explanation of the supervolcano.
BOOM. For real.

You may know her from the NYC burlesque scene as the fabulous Cherry Pitz — she does a spectacular routine with Vincent Price’s disembodied voice. (Link goes to video that may be considered unsafe for work, but inarguably awesome.)

Now she’s working on a one-woman show show that traces her journey from a little suburban Jewish girl obsessed with Wonder Woman to a fabulous burlesque Queen in NYC.

The show’s called Wonder Woman: A How-To Guide for Little Jewish Girls.

It will be presented as part Frigid New York 2011- February 23-March 6 – learn more at
www.frigidnewyork.info

You can see the show yourself at The Red Room (85 East 4th Street between 2nd Ave and Bowery)

Wed Feb 23rd – 8:00 PM
Sat Feb 26th – 9:30 PM
Tue Mar 1st – 8:00 PM
Thu Mar 3rd -11:00 PM
Sat Mar 5th – 2:00 PM

Tickets are $10 ($7 Students & seniors), available at www.smarttix.com or call 212-868-4444.

However, Cyndi needs to do a bit of fundraising to cover the costs of putting the show on. To make a donation, you can visit her artist’s profile at The Field and type “Wonder Woman” in the “additional information” field.

I know this thing is going to be great – Cyndi has mentored and coached me in storytelling, produced some stunning burlesque shows and produced our And I Am Not Lying Live show. Obviously she’s got skills and taste …

Apparently, a robot-armed Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, the yellow Power Ranger, The Thing, and a redheaded Reed Richards and have teamed up…

…to FENCE AGAINST THE EARTH!

And on top of this already delicious ridiculousness, when I took a closer look at their approximation of Superman:

…I immediately made this association:

God, I love this stuff.
PREVIOUSLY IN FOREIGN PLAYTIME ODDITIES: Coming to America Wrapped in Plastic and Cardboard

AND PREVIOUSLY IN AWESOME TOYS : The Longing for Lost Toys

I love our show. Each month we write a new script in sort of an on-going burlesque soap-opera.

For those of you in NYC, here is the info:

HOTSY TOTSY BURLESQUE
Tuesday, August 17th, 9:30pm
@ The Delancey Lounge
168 Delancey, — just two blocks from the F/J train stop. 9:30, $8.

Cherry Pitz and Joe Shark are unaware – but something weird is going on at the Home for Wayward Girls and Fallen Women. Something that only one person can understand. Dr Who. Whatever you do … don’t blink! You’ll miss the boobies!

Cherry Pitz is your host and the show features RunAround Sue, Clams Casino, Apathy Angel, Misty Lux and Billy the Id & Special Guest Candy Cory!

While I am obsessing with Dr. Who, I thought I’d share two fun videos. In this first clip, what you need to know is: The Doctor and his companion Donna Noble have gone back in time and met Agatha Christie. Problem is, people all around Ms. Christie are being murdered. The Doctor gets poisoned, but cyanide is not actually lethal – if you’re not human.

And now a Doctor Who Pole Dance. Golly, I wish I knew this girl. She would so be in our show…