Subway Poster 092907

Originally uploaded by chinese_fashion

I started this blog back in 2005. At the time I figured that if I just kept banging on my laptop, eventually someone would recognize my nascent brilliance and offer me a sack of money. That person would also be able to reach through a hole in time and pull out a finished copy of a book, by me, and drop it on the desk next to the money.

Then I’d never have to work pouring concrete driveways or slinging pizzas ever again. While it’s true that I stopped working in both the concrete and pizza industries shortly after starting this blog, the rest turned out a little differently. I haven’t seen a fricking dime of profit from this thing, and nobody’s offered to turn this into a book. Apparently, to write a book you have to do something more than just type whenever you feel like it.

Here’s the thing: while I’ve always wanted to be a writer, I’ve also always wanted to be in a rock band. My early efforts in that regard were similarly misguided. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from storytelling, it’s that making a crowd feel something I’ve written — like a whole, big, crowded rock club — that ’s pretty much the best feeling in the world. If you could chop up the laughter of several hundred strangers and line it up on a mirror, cocaine would go out of business and the would be no more killing in Mexico.

I was reading “Our Band Could Be Your Life” on the subway a few weeks ago and it hit me like Galileo’s apple. I’ve got the Internet platform and the storytelling skills – and now we’ve got Brad and Cyndi on board, two hilarious, exciting and weird burlesque performers AND storytellers, as well as D.Billy’s peerless art, design, and production abilities.

We’re turning this blog into a live show and we’re going on tour. I don’t know how and I don’t know when exactly, but I’d expect to see some of you people outside New York City by spring 2011.

That’s where we need your help.
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Congratulations! You have successfully built a time machine and are back in 1890’s.

You’re conversing at the local pub, when the guy next to you says:

“So I there was with my bags of mystery, feeding my potato trap, when a blatherskite asks me to change a wild cat. I said, “bad scran to you!”

How do you understand what he had just told you?

Luckily, you have downloaded this free American Slang Dictionary written in 1891 from Archive.org.

The American Slang Dictionary

Blatherskite: (Irish), a wild and foolish talker and boaster, a cheap orator.

Wild-cat (Am.), Country bank-notes of more than doubtful reputation. Also known as Red Dog and Stumptail.

Potato Trap (Eng.), The Mouth.

Bags of Mystery, Sausages.

Bad Scran To You: (Irish), May you have bad food.

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First I will show you the video.

Then I will tell you that the live show I am promoting is in New York. I know, we are being a little New York-centric with the past couple of posts. But we can only do live shows in places we are. Perhaps we can fix this in the future.

Anyway, Brian Wecht is the co-producer of Story Collider, in the video he is at our old show in Long Island City. Tonight, Cyndi will be doing his show and I will be there to drink. The show is at Pacific Standard, which is where we are doing our new show, The Standard Issues, which will be on the 24th of this month and the theme will be “Jerks.” So if you like what you saw of Brian, come check out the show tonight and, if you are not in New York but liked what you saw, I am currently plugging through my back log of storytelling videos and will bring you more as soon as I get them cut.

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For this month’s Hotsy Totsy Burlesque, Brad, my Co-producer Joe the Shark and I have combined two things we love:
Dr Who and Burlesque.

I love our show. Each month we write a new script in sort of an on-going burlesque soap-opera.

For those of you in NYC, here is the info:

HOTSY TOTSY BURLESQUE
Tuesday, August 17th, 9:30pm
@ The Delancey Lounge
168 Delancey, — just two blocks from the F/J train stop. 9:30, $8.

Cherry Pitz and Joe Shark are unaware – but something weird is going on at the Home for Wayward Girls and Fallen Women. Something that only one person can understand. Dr Who. Whatever you do … don’t blink! You’ll miss the boobies!

Cherry Pitz is your host and the show features RunAround Sue, Clams Casino, Apathy Angel, Misty Lux and Billy the Id & Special Guest Candy Cory!

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Back in the 1970’s someone talked George Lucas and the poor actors of Star Wars into doing a The Star Wars Holiday Special. I saw this on a cold December Friday night, I was 12, I was mortified to tears. What had they done!

Years later George Lucas was said to have made this statement “If I had the time and a hammer, I would smash every copy of the Holiday Special.”

Doug Karo and the Late Night Explosion have watched the full two hour show, bless them, and they have then edited the worst 5 minutes together for our enjoyment, bless them again.

Meet Chewbacca’s family, listen to Carrie Fisher Sing lyrics to the Star Wars theme, and don’t forget special guest stars Art Carney, Bea Arthur and The Jefferson Star Ship!

And if you really want to geek out, did you know that there are lyrics to the Buck Rogers Theme song? in 1979 the tv-series pilot had a theatrical release which included this epic intro… and I mean epic. When I was 13 I loved this song so much I bought the sound track album – which I still have. I also wanted all of the silver-space-babe outfits. Especially the bikini. *note to self, make silver space bikini.

BTW: The people at www.livevideo.com won’t let me embed this video so click to link below – enjoy!

Buck Rogers Movie opening

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This little tableau was one of the first photographs that I ever took — maybe around age 12 — with my very first camera, a cheap plastic Vivitar 110:

It shows three Masters of the Universe figures that belonged to my brother and I — Jitsu, Tung Lashor (in the Land Shark) and Battle-Damage Skeletor — lined up against the wood panel & linoleum backdrop of the trailer-with-added-rooms that we grew up in, and I f*cking LOVE IT.

I remember the spot where this photo was taken, and I remember that just down the hall under our bunk beds, and under the desk in my father’s “office” there were plastic tubs and wooden boxes of other action figures and vehicles… Transformers, G.I. Joe, Hot Wheels, Marvel Secret Wars, DC Super Powers, M.A.S.K., M.U.S.C.L.E., Battle Beasts, Centurions, and probably others that I’m forgetting. We also had a giant-sized bin of LEGO blocks, all jumbled in together like an 8-bit plastic gumbo. I can remember the feel of the blocks’ corners and the shooshing, tinkling sound as I rummaged through them looking for just one more clear red dot to cap off the wing of my spaceship.

We still have a few of these things in a closet at my mother’s house. (Or we will until I steal them this summer. Heads up, Mom.) But the bulk of them were given away to our nephews or other kids-of-friends-of-the-family, and from what I hear, many were promptly broken. (*single tear*)

So in pining for my lost clumps of cast plastic and rubber, I decided to fire up the group nostalgia engines. I asked my fellow contributors Jeff, Brad and Cyndi if they had any thoughts along these lines to share, and indeed they did…

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When Napoleon went to his final exile, they sent him to a place that was really –  really – really remote, a place from which he could never escape, St Helena Island. I was curious to learn what’s up with St Helena today.

To find out what’s going on, one must go to the most reliable source, high school girls. These girls live there and they are on a mission to get local news on TV. They show us around the island, interview the acting governor His Excellency Andrew Wells and the editor of the St Helena Herald – who was head girl at their school last year.

St Helena is 1,200 miles from Angola, the nearest land mass, and 1,800 miles from Brazil.  A 47 square mile island, it is one of the most remote islands in the world.  Current population is around 4000. There is no airport – yet.  All goods are sent in via Royal Mail Ship: The RMS St Helen. The ship also has rooms available for if you want to cruise there.

Political cartoonists had a great time taking shots at Napoleon and most artwork portrays the island as a rat infested hell hole. In this one Napoleon leads an army of rat soldiers on the Island of St Helena – 1815

This is what the place really looks like. Which is not to say they don’t have rats. They have rats.

What else is going on there today? Well…

• It is home to Jonathan, the the oldest tortoise in the world.
• They have a new police officer Sergeant Geraint Davies.
• In 1985 local cover band called the Young Turks covered Bryan Adams “Heaven“.
• And currently their is a job opening for: Roads Maintenance & Training Supervisor.

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This was the scene one Sunday Morning in June on Houston Street. What led up to this tragic end? I’ve got a few theories:

• NYU student has an “Ah-ha moment”: If she ever wants to have sex she needs to get rid of her old pal Rainbow, as his presence taking up the whole bed seems to be a deal breaker.
• The Velveteen Rabbit lies.
• Bed bugs.

What’s your theory?

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Hi all! I’m a storyteller, actress, and burlesque producer — and I’m not just a producer, I perform, too under the name Cherry Pitz.” I have been running Hotsy Totsy Burlesque with co-producer Joe The Shark for 3 years, every 3rd Tuesday of every month.

You can learn more about our shows here -www.hotsytotsyburlesque

or friend us at Facebook: Hotsy Totsy Burlesque

Our next show is:

Tuesday, July 20th 9:30
Hotsy Tostsy Burlesque@ The Delancey lounge 168 Delancey – just two blocks from the F/J train stop.
$8. Use the secret pass word “Cherry” and get in 2-for-1!

I wanted to share with you one of my acts. A couple years back I found a record album in the the spoken word section of a used record and CD store. On the cover was a suave and smiling Vincent Price, the album was called Co-Star: The Record Acting Game. And it promised YOU act opposite your favorite stars. And so I decided it was time to bring Vincent Price back from the grave and give him a chance to be part of the NY Burlesque scene! Most girls strip to music. I like to strip to the disembodied voice of dead people. This act has become my signature piece. Hope you enjoy!

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