Samantha Bee

Originally uploaded by Thoroughly Good

I had to hustle home and meet the cable guy last Friday, which had me out and racing through the sun on Columbus Circle at about one o’clock. Whenever it’s beautiful out and I’m wearing a three-piece suit (which is often) I’m hit with two conflicting emotions:

1) Get out of the cursed sunshine before you rehydrate the last set of sweatstains you left this thing
2) My God, what have you BECOME?

So as I’m hustling between pockets of shade, fast, but not so fast as to break a sweat, I see this woman. And I just kind of stop and stare. She looks so, so familiar. I can’t figure out if I know her from college radio, or she worked at a bar I used to go to all the time in Richmond, or we’ve been in the same show before, or what. I’m running the facial recognition software in my head at a million miles an hour, but it’s not fast enough. Because she sees me staring a little, and does the polite little sidle that any smart woman in New York does when some creep is just staring at her with sweat beading up on his forehead.

Then it hits me. It’s Samantha Bee from The Daily Show.

So I went up to her and said “Hey, sorry about that. I was staring for a little there because I thought I recognized you from college somewhere, and then realized that I know your face from TV. And I actually really like your work.” I do, too.

My mom and I watch the Daily Show together whenever we can, and we laugh hard at Samantha Bee’s stuff.

She said “Oh, that’s really sweet, thanks! Hey, do you want to be in a bit for the show?”

Duh.

So there’s a chance – a slim chance – that I’ll be in a montage of man-on-the-street interviews on the Daily Show tonight.

I find that if I keep my dreams small enough, they can come true a lot more often.

**UPDATE**
I watched last night – didn’t make the cut. So it goes.

 

Union Hall 4816

Originally uploaded by Shameel Arafin

Those of us that have blogging access and an itch to get up on a stage here at And I Am Not Lying (Brad Lawrence, Cyndi Freeman, and me, Jeff Simmermon) are putting on another live show with some pretty exciting talented friends at Union Hall on Sunday, August 28th. The doors are at 7:30 PM, show starts at 8.

You’ll see storytelling from Brad and I, both folks who have been in a few Moth Grand SLAMS – Brad even won a few. I had a story on This American Life two years ago, and I don’t mind flogging that fading moment of glory a little longer. Cyndi’s a fantastic and accomplished storyteller and burlesque performer, and she’s coming off of a run of her one-woman show “Wonder Woman: A How To Guide for Little Jewish Girls.”

I’m exceptionally thrilled to announce that we’ll have a burlesque performance from Mat Fraser and Julie Atlas. I can honestly say that I’ve never, ever seen anything on a stage like the duet they’ll be doing, an interpretation in dance and song that perfectly sums up my love/hate relationship with the South.

This is an entirely different (and completely NSFW) duet that they’ve performed before. It’s kind of a stylistic marriage between this and this.

We’ll also have a visit from Adam, The First Real Man — an accomplished sword swallower and performer of various feats of strength, along with a comedian who’s yet to be determined.

At one point, this thing was meant to be a live version of this blog. But really, let’s be honest about things here — posting’s been a little slack for the past few months, and we might all be okay with that.

As David pointed out to me the other day, it’s not really a live version of the blog. It’s just a good show.

Basically, I find that I spend a LOT of my time hunched in front of a glowing rectangle, breathing shallowly through my mouth. Lately, I’ve been performing more, working on a book project too. After all day in front of a computer, I just want to FEEL something and experience a connection with other human beings that reminds me that I’m alive.

When I do post here, that’s usually what’s driving that — FEELING something. And we’re putting on a show that’s designed to pack the maximum amount of sensation and excitement into the shortest time possible. We’ve all got a short time here, and I’m trying to keep as many people from going completely numb for as long as possible.

Hope you can join us.

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Hotsy Totsy Burlesque is back after a 4 month break! I love this show. It is an ongoing burlesque soap opera with returning characters and plot lines. We’ve been doing it for 4 years.

The basics are that Cherry Pitz and the girls live at The Home For Wayward Girls and Fallen Women, an all girls’ hotel that is always in need of cash so every month they run a show to raise funds. Of course, there are things that always seem to go wrong or weird behind the scenes. Think Muppet Show but instead of puppets you have naked girls…..(Which the Muppet Show kinda wanted to do.)

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Two visitors leave the office along with me tonight. They’d had a meeting that went pretty well, apparently, well enough to break the silent force field that most people turn on in large New York elevators.

I’m also wearing shorts and carrying a bike helmet, so maybe they think I’m a bike messenger.

“Well that went well,” the man says, his voice lingering on the “well”, with a pause meant to cue his female partner. “Oh I KNOW,” she says, her hands fluttering, “you were just awesome in there! Especially how you stood up and gestured and threw all those comps to the side and everything — you’re such a ROCK STAR!!”

Whenever someone says “Rock Star” in an office setting, Keith Moon’s spirit buys a pair of pleated khakis at TJ Maxx.

My soul groans a deep and lowing tone, the sound of a majestic redwood that’s about to just give up completely. When I worked as a business banking researcher, my manager would refer to (other) members of our little team as “Excel Rock Stars,” or “research Rock Stars.” She would also leave photocopied prayers for strength and forgiveness on the office copier. Later in our relationship, when she was letting me go, she told me while shaking her head that I “just didn’t have a passion for banking research.”

“I think she’s buttering me up a little, don’t you,” he says, “trying to get some free drinks out of me before the train leaves for Connecticut.” She giggles a little more, and looks at me, saying “no, he was a Rock Star in there, he really had it together! It was incredible!”

“What do you think, man, is she putting it on a little here or what,” he says, totally milking her for more elevator-appropriate adoration.

What I think is:

Nothing says “you will spend the rest of your life in a beige and climate controlled purgatory” like being called “Rock Star” for showing up on time with a succinct PowerPoint presentation.

But I don’t say that. What I say is, “well, you have to be careful when you hear that phrase at work. It usually means something’s coming. I always brace for it whenever I hear that term.”

“Oh, stop,” she says, looking at her partner and laughing still. He’s looking at her, but asking me, “what is it, then?”

“In my experience in office settings, ‘Rock Star’ is the steam wafting off of a pile of corporate bullshit,” I say, before I can stop myself.

But look, people. We’ve got to think about our language a little here, go a little deeper into the subtext. Real Rock Stars show up at least an hour late and blow the hearts and minds of thousands of screaming people. They writhe and sweat, they put their hearts on the line night after night and leave the stage in a hail of cheers and underpants and then shower women way better looking than themselves with champagne at dawn. It’s the reward for years and years of having heart and eating beans, of nurturing the flames in their souls long after it’s time to compromise, shave and get a day job.

Every time someone calls me a ‘Rock Star’ it reminds me how far I am from that. And man, it just burns.

This week on the Standard Issues podcast we have an discussion I recorded this past week with Jeff Simmermon and Cyndi Freeman about the upcoming And I Am Not Lying live show. We also cover stalker-esque behavior, the history of the blog, being douchified by the media powers that be.

You can receive our wisdom via the magic of iTunes.

Standard Issues volume 10 is up – maybe episode 10? If you have opinions on whether podcasts should have episodes or volumes, let me know – and this one features features an emergency call to Japan’s version of 911 by someone who does not speak Japanese and happens to be on LSD,  a piece of high school writing that the adult who wrote it was brave enough to share on stage, and testimony from someone who went to a wilderness camp that has now been shuttered for child endangerment.

If you have been following the podcast you might remember that I started off with a couple of interviews with storytellers in New York. Well, I am about to do a new round of that. This time, to coincide with the AndIAmNotLying live show on the 17th, the sit down will be with all the folks who contribute to this blog.

So, check out Volume or Episode 10, and then come back next week for 11 and to hear the inspiration for all of this right from Jeff, David, and Cyndi. And me.

My fascination with Wonder Woman started when I was a kid. Wonder Woman’s first season was set during WWII and she was a brunette just like me and kicking Nazi ass. This was the same year that I was learning about the Holocaust in Hebrew school

My other favorite show was Hogan’s Heroes.

There was no chick who looked just like me, but they were cool guys thwarting Nazis. This prompted me and a friend from Hebrew school named Janet to write our own script entitled Wonder Woman Meets Hogan’s Heroes. Alas, I do not have any documentation of this fine work of art. But for months we acted out the scenes that we crafted in her basement.

So while doing my research on my Wonder Woman show, I did a look into Hogan’s heroes and discovered. Almost all the Nazi characters were played by Jewish actors, many of whom had lost their families at the hands of the Nazis. There is a tribute site that has been set up for them – Hogan’s Jews - It is an informative and entertaining read.

But, here are some other things I’d like to share. Now the show has always had its critics and I have always disagreed with them.

Several years back The Boston Globe printed an article written by reporter Renee Graham, she had this to say about the show,

“Call this political correctness if you like, but under no circumstances should a film of `Hogan’s Heroes’ be made. For those who don’t remember, this was the 1960′s World War II comedy starring Bob Crane, Werner Klemperer and John Banner that presented the Nazis as the biggest cutups since the Keystone Kops. Let’s be clear here: Nazis are never, ever funny. Ever. So it’s with great joy that I report that the film version of `Hogan’ is on ice, at least for now.”

Where I respect her disdain of Nazis (yick!) I accept her outrage but counter it with this:

“I was never crazy about Hitler,” says Mel Brooks. Who was? But even now, more than 50 years after the fall of the Third Reich, the man who masterminded the extermination of more than 7 million people is still handled with care, as if the magnitude of his crime demands no less. Brooks had the guts, and gall, to realize that the simplest way to demolish Hitler was to mock him.

“If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win,” says Brooks, 75. “That’s what they do so well; they seduce people. But if you ridicule them, bring them down with laughter–they can’t win. You show how crazy they are.”

Hogan’s Heroes was revenge through sitcom.
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(I took this picture of gummi fangs. But otherwise, it doesn’t have anything to do with anything in this post.)

At the risk of appearing in Cory Arcangel’s project, I’m kind of sorry that I haven’t posted in a while on here. I’ve been busy, sure, there’s that. So have Brad, Cyndi, and David.

As you may have seen, Brad’s launched The Standard Issues podcast. This is a project that, like anything else in life, sounds easy when you’re necking on about it over a few beers, then gets really, really hard. That’s how the whole life thing works, I think: everything that’s hard now gets easier, and you can relax for a minute. Then you get some new problems. I’m really stoked for Brad, though – this is a great idea, and once he gets the formula down it’s really going to take off.

Cyndi’s just wrapped the first run of her one-woman show Wonder Woman – A How-To Guide For LIttle Jewish Girls and is gearing it up and refining it to hopefully take out into theaters again. I saw it during its first week and loved it my damn self.

David’s been working on a longer form video piece with our friend and fellow artist Nathan Manuel.

And me, I’ve been doing all kinds of stuff. For one, I’ve been doing my actual job a lot. And when I’m not doing that, I’ve been trying to write a book. Ssshh. I don’t want to curse it. But it’s time. I kinda got myself to this Jonah and the Whale moment in the last few months where I’m either going to have to write a book or turn into whatever the creative equivalent of Frustrated Sports Dad is and yell at a future child from the sidelines at spelling bees or something. I don’t have a deal yet or a contract or anything like that. I’ve got a friend at a publishing house here who’s helping me out, though.

For all I know, all these words will eventually go into a greasy paper sack somewhere and then move with me from apartment to apartment along with a few coats I can’t get rid of for the rest of my life. But it’s still important. It’s got to happen. And it feels right.

So this blog, this project I’ve had for coming up on six years now, it’s changed a bit. I’m not doing this because I feel this *urge* anymore. When this started, I had all this *stuff* inside me that just came flying out. Now I’ve learned how to shape that stuff a little, and I’m not trying to blog my way to a book deal anymore.

Nor do I really want to be a professional stay-home blogger that depends on ad revenue for income. It would be nice to build this thing into a powerhouse with a huge following, sure. My ego would like that. But on the other hand, I really don’t like what I turn into when start living and dying by my blog stats. I spent a few months checking and rechecking my stats about 80-100 times a day, my heart soaring when traffic was up and grumbling and frustrated when it kind of flatlined.

That’s not a good way to be on the earth.

Once you start focusing too much on what’s popular, you lose sight of what’s important. First it slips away online, then it slips away in your real life and you’re just this walking collage of other people’s ideas.
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So I have been working on my one woman show for 2 years.

And now, Wonder Woman: A How-To Guide For Little Jewish Girls is finally up and running. What a rewarding feeling! The first review is in and it is shining so I thought I would share.

The show is about how the TV show Wonder Woman, starring Lynda Carter, inspired me as a kid and how the icon continues to give me guidance to this day.

It was 1976 when the first pilot episode aired. The first full season was set during World War II – this held a special interest for me for 2 reasons.

1- My dad designed weaponry in that war – in fact he helped develop the Bazooka.

2- In Hebrew School they were teaching us about the Holocaust.

And there was Wonder Woman on Friday night kicking Nazi Ass!

Okay after she breaks out of her straps – she kicks Nazi ass!

———————————————-

Here is the info on the show – there’s one week left. If you are in NY I hope you can make it!!

FRIGID New York presents an HT production:
Wonder Woman: A How To Guide for Little Jewish Girls
Written by Cyndi Freeman* / Directed by David Drake

Presented as part of Frigid New York 2011- February 23-March 6
www.frigidnewyork.info

@ THE RED ROOM (85 East 4th Street between 2nd Ave and Bowery)
Tue Mar 1st – 8:00 PM / Thu Mar 3rd -11:00 PM / Sat Mar 5th – 2:00 PM
Tickets $10 ($7 Students & seniors) www.smarttix.com / or call: 212-868-4444

Two-time FringeNYC award-winning writer/performer Cyndi Freeman’s latest solo show traces her journey from a little suburban Jewish girl obsessed with Wonder Woman to a fabulous burlesque queen in NYC. A veteran storyteller and MothSlam winner, Freeman recounts personal tales of heroics and harrowing adventures while joyfully spewing trivia about America’s first and favorite female super hero: Wonder Woman. Join her on a crusade to right wrongs while wearing fabulous outfits. For more information and images go to -www.heroicsinhotpants.com.

A discussion on kids, death, and the appropriate times to wear flesh tone panty hose. Plus a story about the moment when you figure out where you are really coming from.

Get it here, subscribe to it, then come to the next Standard Issues live show – Pacific Standard, 82 4th Ave in Brooklyn, February 22nd at 8 –  and see Jeff Simmermon perform for my Podcast. Be the first on your street, because after his upcoming appearance on the Moth podcast, the closest you will be able to get is FedExing him your underwear.

And then read this thing on the horrors of Kindergarten.