Somebody sparked a blunt about halfway through the movie and smoked the whole fricking thing, Cape Fear-style.

Me and my buddy got there before the previews and had to beg for crappy seats together in the back row, up against the wall. So pretty much the entire theater sat there under this dense, low-hanging weed haze that just kept growing and growing through the whole thing.

Pot goes with comic book movies like peanut butter goes with chocolate. Or like pot goes with peanut butter and chocolate, really. But still, this is really something that should be attended to at home or in a park or something. It’s not like smelling weed at a rock concert, where it’s kind of expected.

It didn’t really bother me personally, but really – just the sheer audacity!

Tiny – and egregious – social injustices that don’t actually bother me personally make me completely nuts, just on principle alone. I’m kind of a Larry David that way, which may not be an admirable character trait. But at this point, it simply is, and it’s not going away. Just like Dr.Banner and the Hulk, I’m just trying to manage it.

We’re all part of this one fabric, a larger collective organism that succeeds or fails based on the grace and discretion of its components. And it makes me NUTS when people ignore that and just go off and do any old fucked-up thing they want to, regardless of what it does to the people around them. Somebody in there could have been trying to get clean, needed to pass a drug test, or gone to a movie specifically to avoid being around people that were getting wasted. So who is THAT guy to just blow smoke over the whole social quilt in there?

The haze grew and grew, all the way through the credits. Most people stayed in the theater anyway to see one of the stinger scenes Marvel buries in the credits to set up the next movie. The Avengers has two – the second one is right at the end when the lights come up.

Right after the first stinger scene, some guy jumped up and walked backwards down the stairs in the aisle to the main landing, yelling “hey man, hey man, you wanna go, huh, HUH? HEY MAN HEY MAN YOU WANNA GO YOU WANNA GO YOU WANNA GO” and repeated himself at least a hundred times. He feels the same way about the social fabric, I guess.

Then the dude that was smoking the blunt jumped up and answered back “AND WHAT NIGGA AND WHAT AND WHAT NIGGA”, also about a hundred times.

Really, it’s not so much the actual words they said as the way that they said them.

The guy with the blunt finally jumped out of his seat and ran down the steps to get into it.

He’s one of those guys that wears the waist of his pants down around his thighs with his drawers all hanging out in the back. I’ve always thought that look was mostly tough-guy posturing that might be a hindrance in an actual fighting situation. And it sure as hell was, because as he ran down the steps to meet his challenger, he stumbled on his pants and fell forward, chin out …

… and the guy that cared about the social fabric met that chin with a flawless uppercut.

They tangeld for a while, until the cops came. The blunt guy hiked his pants up and ran out the fire door. The cops settled everything down, all while the credits rolled. Then the second stinger scene came and somebody went “SSHHH, SHUT UP YOU GUYS!”

And seriously, everyone left in the theatre including the cop paused, turned and watched the movie for a minute while the final scene rolled, and then went about their business as the lights came up.

I felt like I was in New York in the late eighties. And man, what a satisfying in-theatre experience.

References for the less nerdy: Tuvok / Gul Dukat

Images yoinked from TotallyLooksLike.com.
Font: Bajoran Regular by Eric Oehler.

If You were at the last And I Am Not Lying Live, my story was about that and also about the difference between exploitation and fun in sexy art-forms. This month my Hosty Totsy show makes fun of that same struggle.

Hotsy Totsy is an ongoing burlesque soap opera. Each epsisode takes place during the “monthly fundraiser at The Home For Wayward Girls and Fallen Women” and in each show there is some back stage drama that plays out between the burlesque acts. This month gangster Nickles Lugo (Played by Nelson Lugo) attempts to take over the Home and to turn it into a money making venture (AKA a strip-club and brothel.) The girls fight back wanting to keep things playful and sweet the way we like it!

When asked to describe my burlesque show HOTSY TOTSY BURLESQUE, I tell people it is like the Muppet show if you substituted puppets with naked girls.

But even the Muppets thought was a good idea.

However, they were a family show and we are not!

I am thrilled to be working once again with Nelson Lugo  (seen here to the right with my co-producer Joe The Shark to the left and me as Cherry Pitz in the cozy middle)

Nelson who is known for many things including Epic Win Burlesque: By Nerds, For Nerds….featuring burlesque tributes on topics from Star Wars Vs Star Trek to Ghost Busters.

The fun with Hotsy Totsy is that I get to do two of my favorite things: comedy & burlesque. In this video which was part of a show where we worked with Nelson and Schaffer the Darklord to spoof The Odd Couple.

Tuesday’s show also features an all-star cast including: Evelyn Vnyl, Francinee, Gin Minsky, Jenny C Quoi, Kita St Cyr, Ruby Solitaire, Bunn YBuxom with Bobbie Chaset behind the bar, Joe The Shark Naftali at the door and drink specials by Sailor Jerry!

And I can not do a post on burlesque without giving you a burlesque act from And I Am Not Lying Live! Here is a clip of me doing a strip as Cherry Pitz

(Just to be clear – in this scenario, I believe that you are the Jedi.)

GIF via Jonathan_Eilenberg on mlkshk.

There’s a whole lot going on Tuesday for the worldwide Occupy movement – a performance/march with Das Racist, Tom Morello, and more, and even more listed here.

I’m pretty curious, and would love to participate. The thing is, I’ve got a big show that night, and I can’t risk getting locked up. If any of you guys want to come over afterwards, we’d love to see you.

All this is to say that it’s time once again to leave a pair of smoking rubber tracks on stage at Union Hall with the And I Am Not Lying LIVE show, cock-rocking the NPR crowd with the best comedy, storytelling and burlesque in NYC.

If that tiny bit of promo copy that I half-assed during a conference call was enough to make you want to get tickets already, you can do that here: And I Am Not Lying LIVE at Union Hall on May 1.

Here’s a poster, more on the performers after the jump:

Most storytelling shows around here have a theme. This one is the same, but the theme is the same every month: KICK ASS. We don’t pick guests that aren’t awesome, but I’m particularly thrilled about this month’s guests.

Mat Fraser and Julie Atlas Muz did our show back in December and just wrecked the place. Every time I’ve seen them perform I’ve had no idea what I’m seeing, except that what I’m seeing is hilarious and twisted and impossible to imitate. Both times I’ve seen them I’ve just ended up screaming.

Mat Fraser and Julie Atlas Muz will be rejoining us with a burlesque act, and Mat’s going to tell a story as well.

This is a video of Mat and Julie from our December show. It’s a sweet little medley of cabaret classics, but also totally unsafe for work and the best, strangest thing you’ll see all week:

Hari Kondabolu went on the first comedy tour of India by Indian-American comedians in the “Make Chai, Not War” tour a few months ago. I’ve been a fan since I saw him at Eugene Mirman’s “Pretty Good Friends.”

And of course, we’ll have storytelling by me (Jeff Simmermon), Brad Lawrence, and Cyndi Freeman – and Cyndi and Brad will do a burlesque act, too.

Hope we see you there – this is NOT one to miss. Once again, that’s

Comedy by Hari Kondabolu
Storytelling by Mat Fraser, Jeff Simmermon, Brad Lawrence, and Cyndi Freeman
Burlesque by Julie Atlas Muz, Mat Fraser, Brad Lawrence and Cyndi Freeman

Tickets right here: And I Am Not Lying LIVE at Union Hall on May 1.

If you’re reading this as a long-time follower of this blog, none of this material is going to be new to you. I’m re-flogging some older stuff, so maybe this is a good time to push away from the computer and go enjoy a nice spring day outside.

I want to shamelessly take full advantage of the mention to show off what the And I Am Not Lying show is all about here. Because frankly, not only am I proud of the work that we do and thrilled to see the storytelling world getting a little credit … I want to put asses in seats on the first Tuesday of every month at Union Hall.

Brad Lawrence, Cyndi Freeman and I put on a monthly show featuring storytelling, comedy, burlesque and sideshow — and I want to share some of the stories that we’ve done there. We’ve only had a residency there since February, so we’re still building up some steam. But all of us do a TON of other shows around town, too.

Consider this a primer, dive deeper if you want. Today is functionally a Friday anyway, so go ahead and watch all of these at work.

Al Sharpton vs. Royal Quiet Deluxe, Chicken Band

These are two stories by Brad Lawrence:

Gift From A Chimp In Saint Louis

Sometimes Cyndi ties her burlesque acts to her stories, and the end result is bigger than either piece seperately. So here’s a story by Cyndi Freeman, with a pretty direct tie into the burlesque act immediately following:

Here’s the aforementioned burlesque act from our show, featuring Cyndi Freeman, Brad Lawrence and Apathy Angel:

We have comedy guests, storytellers, and sideshow performers, too – including a bullwhip/lasso expert and a sword swallower.

You can follow us here, on Twitter @andiamnotlying or on our Facebook page. And I hope we see you soon.

A year later, his mom took me and him and a date to see the Ramones at the Boathouse in Norfolk, VA and nothing was ever the same again. My glasses got knocked off and ground back into sand during the first 5 minutes of the show, and I took a boot to the face by the second set. The next day, I was half-deaf and limping around the house, clutching the walls to feel my way to my bedroom and all I wanted to do was get up on a stage and be Joey Ramone.

A week after that I quit the rec league soccer team by throwing my shirt in the coach’s face. During a game.

Something didn’t add up, though. Me and Frank were scoring acid from drag queens at the Rocky Horror Picture Show and had a direct line to all the best music this new burning world had to offer. With all this newfound punk rock swagger and the confidence of finally being down with the coolest guys in school, we figured girls would finally start paying attention.

As it turns out, it took a little while. We had no idea why.

Frank Benson has hit his stride by now, and I guess I’m okay, too.

Anyone who tells a teenager that “these are the best years of your life” is only telling half of the truth. In my experience, we got to taste the potential that the world had — but actually feeling it fall into place day by day and year by year is even better. Frank and I hang out now. We both live in Brooklyn, but we’re both busting ass on our own art careers.

We don’t see each other as often as people who live three miles away from each other might. But every time we do hang out, one of is getting the other one really excited about some cool new stuff. We’re still kicking each others’ doors wide open.

The New York Times gave me a tiny shout-out this evening in a piece about the storytelling scene in New York City. I am referred to as “imposing,” which is confusing, but I’ll take it as a compliment. I strongly encourage that you run right out and read the whole thing. Cyndi Freeman gets a mention in there, too, as well as a bunch of other folks that I am honored to consider peers. The mighty Adam Wade gets some serious ink, too.

Here’s an excerpt that I think is the core of the piece, referring to my friend Ophira Eisenberg:

She explores the taboo, but without the persistent relief provided by consistent punch lines. In doing that, she shows how a story can use humor but not be shackled to it, how it can be emotional without pandering, and how difficult ideas can be articulated entertainingly.
What she demonstrates is that storytelling can give a certain kind of comedy a chance to grow.

Storytelling has grown a lot beyond regular Moth slams. The Moth was the Big Bang that coalesced into the sun for this whole thing, but now a bunch of other planets are cooling and growing their own life forms. The following is a list of storytelling shows that I’d recommend checking out in the city. I’ve been in most of these, and am friends with folks that run all of them.

A lot of these shows don’t have a lot in the way of a Web presence. I hate linking to Facebook pages, but that’s the world we live in — crafting stories and running shows takes a lot of energy, and so does running a website. At this point in my life I’d rather have “writer/performer” etched on my tombstone than “blogger”. Anyway, here they go:

Liar Show
Real Characters
Told!
BTK Band
Nights of Our Lives
The Story Collider
Ask Me
How I Learned
The Soundtrack Series
Adam Wade has a BUNCH:

• Tales of the Cosmos
• Whatever Happened to the Nerds
• Adam Wade From New Hampshire
• Super Stories

I can also see how Moth story slams would be intimidating to people that are new to this. They’re huge, with lines around the block and they sell out pretty much every time. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll even get picked. And if you do get picked, you’re pretty much screwed out of a decent score unless you get picked fifth through tenth. By the fifth storyteller the booze kicks in, scores start to loosen up and judges figure out what the hell they’re even doing.

Frankly, these things should be a little intimidating to first-time performers. Anyone who just thinks “what the hell, I’ll just jump on stage for the first time in front of 400 people and be awesome like I always am, every day of my life” is missing a critical component to their personality and is likely going to embarrass everyone in the room except themselves. I’ve seen this happen. A lot.

You should get on stage and do it anyway, but a little fear is a good thing. It means you’re taking it seriously.

None of the following open mics were around when I started going to the Moth. If they had been, I’d have definitely tried my stories out at these first. I’m not saying that there’s a right or wrong way to do any of this stuff. Any door you find is one you can walk through.

But if you happen to want to workshop a story yourself or test it out in a lower-stakes environment — hell, sometimes the crowd is barely even paying attention — you could do a lot worse than to check these out. In order to win a fight you’ve got to spend a lot of time doing pushups and hitting the bag to get ready for five intense minutes. It’s the same principle here.

The following places are where I go to practice:

Phoning it In – Lukas Kaiser runs this open mic Monday-Thursday in somebody else’s apartment in Tribeca. It’s a warm room, supportive, and sometimes a woman walks straight through with a baby in a stroller and disappears in the back.

Kambri Crews’ “What’s Your Story” held monthly at Luca Lounge. You pretty much have to find this on Facebook or go to Luca Lounge and check it out first.

I Like You, Maude

Oh, Hey Guys at UCB East

Like anything else, there’s an etiquette. If you’re brand new to any of this, I’d recommend showing up and checking a show out first, then introducing yourself afterwards. Get to know folks, connect online. Pretty soon the whole thing will blossom and you’ll be tired of all the emails, updates, and Facebook events. And eventually, your brain will hurt from all of it and you’ll have nightmares abut your own show.

Congratulations: you’ve arrived.